Itchyitchyitchy!

Over the weekend my belly started itching, especially around my stretchmarks. The twins have been growing and stretching my skin a lot lately, so I didn't really worry about it much - just slathered on lotion and continued as normal. And then it got worse. And worse.

I had an appointment with my OBGYN on Monday and asked him about the itching. He said it wasn't unexpected since my skin is stretching so much, and suggested trying lanolin cream for some extra relief. So I did. I tried regular lotion, baby oil, lanolin, even calamine lotion - and it kept getting worse.

Over the last 2 days, it's developed into a full blown rash that covers my entire belly, parts of my breasts and thighs, and even some of my arms. And the itching...oh my god, the ITCHING.

Last night I completely melted down. Mr Bibliosaur came home and asked me how my day was, and I just lost it. I can handle the pelvic pain. I can handle the gestational diabetes - the diet, the insulin injections. I can handle the back pain, the exhaustion, the sheer weight of the babies dragging at my body...but I CANNOT handle this. The itchiness is unbelievably agonizing. It's like the worst burning itch you've ever experienced, and it will.not.stop. I can barely tolerate a shirt touching my skin. Mr Bibliosaur can't even put his hand on my belly, and barely on any other part of my skin lest it set off some kind of itchy chain reaction.

So after lying in bed in tears last night, unable to sleep due to the rash, I called my OB's office first thing this morning and managed to get in to see him today. When I showed him my belly, he made an unhappy face and said that he had been worried at my last appointment that this might happen, but hadn’t wanted to say anything just in case the itchiness really was due to the stretching.

He mentioned Cholestasis of Pregnancy, which 1-1.5% of pregnant women get, but from what I’ve read (and yes I KNOW I’m not a doctor) I think it’s more likely that I have PUPPP, which about 1 in 200 pregnant women end up with. I think this mostly because CP doesn’t normally present with a rash but PUPPP does – plus, with CP the itching is usually concentrated in your hands and feet, but with PUPPP it often starts on your abdomen and then progresses to your legs, breasts and arms, as mine has. They both cause intense itching, and for both of them the only cure is giving birth. CP, however, has significantly more risks – it’s caused by bile acid buildup in the bloodstream – including premature labour and stillbirth, so he may just be playing it conservatively by wanting to monitor me for this.

At any rate, as these things can only be treated but not cured, for now we're just trying to deal with the symptoms, so my doctor has given me Phenergan. This won’t take the rash away but hopefully it will help control the unbearable itchiness. If this doesn’t work, we’ll have to try steroid pills or creams.

And now I'm going to do something I thought I'd never do - I'm going to post a big ole bare bump photo on the internet so you can take a look at this rash, along with all of my swollen stretchmarks. I'm warning you - it's not a pretty sight, so feel free to stop reading now.



Still with me?



You sure?



OK then - here you go:

This photo really doesn't capture just how bad it is - how red, how swollen, how painful, how ITCHY.

I just....I am just so over this right now. I know I only need to hang in there for another 3.5 weeks, but I've got to be honest - that is looking like a LOOOOONG time right now.

Are Your HPT's Laughing at You Too?!

When we first started TTC, I bought HPT's monthly and used them monthly! Every time was the same, another BFN followed by a visit from AF! The last time I used a test I vowed to not do it again until I felt I had a valid reason... only, my valid reasons always seem to get the best of me! So once again, I unwrapped the last of the stockpile in our medicine cabinet and prayed for two lines... and like every other failed attempt, got a BFN!

TwoWeekWait.com is a wonderful site full of good advice for those of us TTC. I stumbled across this earlier this morning and I swear whoever came up with it must have a camera in my bathroom! Follow these 15 easy steps and you too could look as hopeless as me when taking a HPT!


Step 1...Pee on the stick. (must be sure to hold it under urine stream for a heartbeat longer than recommended just to be sure).

Step 2...Stare at stick while you continue peeing. Feel heart jump when urine passes over the spot where the line would be and it hitches for a second, then gets a dark line...then keeps going, taking your dark line with it to the test window.

Step 3...Place on bathroom counter. Pretend not to stare at it. Let's try to give yourself busy work to keep from looking at it. In fact, your toilet now gets cleaned once per day.

Step 4...Tell yourself you are expecting a BFN. Then start to mist up when you see that it is, in fact, a BFN. Stare at the blank spot for a full minute before picking it up.

Step 5...First, go to window and check it under day light.

Step 6...Now, stand on toilet to be closer to light in ceiling. Check strip.

Step 7...Close one eye. Squint other eye.

Step 8...Turn on several lamps around house. Hold strip under lamp. Check strip.

Step 9...Hold strip OVER lamp. Check strip.

Step 10...Hold strip in front of lamp so light shines THROUGH strip, just in case.

Step 11...Pull stick apart. Hesitate for a heartbeat when you realize you are holding the still wet "wick" in one hand, then continue the destruction.

Step 12...Repeat Steps 5-9.

Step 13...Throw stick away.

Step 14...Pick stick back up out of trash.

Step 15...Repeat Steps 12 and 13 the rest of the day!

The end is near?

So when I last left off, our midwife was telling us we had a big baby, and sent us in for a growth ultrasound for "size greater than dates". The ultrasound confirmed her suspicions, as much as it was able to. The tech was great at explaining to us that the weight measurement is just a guess, because they can't see fatty tissue, only bone. But all his bone measurements, including his skull, were measuring ahead as well. In sum, they put me at 15 days ahead of my due date, which would technically put me at 40 weeks...today.

There's a possibility that, had we chosen to go with a traditional hospital birth, we'd be talking to our doctor right now about inducing. Thankfully, we didn't go that route. We're delivering at a birth center, and that word hasn't even been brought up. Instead, they moved tomorrow's 38 week appointment from the afternoon to the morning, and they're going to "do some things" at said appointment to hopefully kick-start labor. Then send Mr. Citysaur and me home with some "homework".

Now, to most people, I've just been telling them that I'm not being induced, they're just going to do some voodoo magic on me. It's easier (and not TMI) to explain that way, especially to coworkers. But as this is a pregnancy blog, how about the real truth? I'm not 100%, because the midwife went over this rather quickly last week, but I believe the voodoo magic includes massaging the cervix and stripping the membranes. I'm not sure what else the midwife has up her sleeve, but I'm pretty sure I caught mention of those two at least.

So, perhaps Homer is right, and the end is near. I'm off work tomorrow, because after the appointment, we're supposed to go home and see if anything progresses. I was already 2 CM dilated as of last Thursday, so it's not totally out of the question that this could work. But even if it doesn't, I think it's likely he'll be coming some time in the next couple of weeks. It's still just a waiting game!

Le Sigh...

I have such a range of emotions happening right now and I can't seem to sort them all out..

I don't know if you remember, but I posted earlier about my plans to be there to help my sister-in-law when she delivers her 3rd baby. Well, that didn't happen...for a few good reasons. And I'm thinking, it was better this way.

Here's the story...

Dear sis-in-law (SIL) was due sometime between March 2nd and March 9th. (You know, the whole cycle vs. ultrasound due date thing?) March 2nd (ultrasound DD) came and went and I was on stand by to race to the hospital at any moment. We waited and waited (nothing new when it comes to having babies, of course) and it was getting closer to the weekend. The monkey wrench in the plans were that my family and friends had planned a 30th birthday bash for me on Sunday, so obviously wouldn't be able to make it on that day. We had different back up plans for if it happened on the weekend, so it was totally fine, but I was hoping it wouldn't happen while I was gone.

Of course, SIL started having regular contractions on Sunday morning. I conceded to the fact that I wasn't going to be there for the birth. So I went on with the day, excited about the b-day plans that my wonderful DH and best friends had put together. It was a fabulous day full of great famiily, great friends, and great food and gifts.

We got periodic updates throughout the day on SIL's situation. She never actually checked into the hospital, because she wanted to labor without being hooked up to machines laying on a bed. She wandered the hospital all day long...poor thing. Finally, that night when her contractions started getting further apart they told her she should go home. (Keep in mind that we live 30 minutes from the nearest hospital) So she and my brother-in-law went home for the night, taking the big walk of shame out of the hospital.

To make a long story short, she was laboring throughout the night and then decided at about 6am yesterday morning that they needed to start heading back to the hospital. Her hubby was determined to wait until her water broke, but that still hadn't happened. She was having a lot of back labor and knew she needed to go back. Well, they did make it to the hospital...the hospital parking garage, that is. Baby decided to make her grand entrance in the car inside the hospital parking garage!!! Oh.my.word. Craziness.

Baby girl and mama are perfectly healthy and happy, thank the Lord!! I went and saw them yesterday afternoon and she is as cute as can be...all 8 lbs & 21 1/4 inches of her.

Now that it's all said and done things are starting to hit me. I am so happy for them...but I'm on the verge of tears at any moment. I knew back when I found out that she was pregnant that it would be pretty tough on me to see her with brand new baby in hand, especially if I still didn't have any prospects for a new baby of my own. And of course, that's the situation I find myself in...

Like I said earlier, I really don't know how to sort it all out. For now I keep this dream close to my heart and I continue to pray that it becomes a reality.

WHISPER
by A Fine Frenzy

Running the race
Like a mouse in a cage getting nowhere
but I'm trying
Forging ahead
But I'm stuck in the bed that I made
so I'm lying

But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me still

Eager to please,
Trying to be what they need
But I'm so very tired
I've stopped trying to find
Any peace in my mind
Because it tangles the wires

But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still

The sound tires on my lips
To fade away into forgetting

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still

Today's post is brought to you by the number 4

Can you believe it? We only have 4 WEEKS TO GO! Just one month! Well, OK - I'm 32 weeks along, which means that technically we have two months. But if these boys stick to the average and make their debut at 36 weeks, that means we only have four short weeks to go!

It could be as as long as six weeks if the twins decide they'd like to be baked a while longer, but my doctor has informed me that he probably won't allow me to go past that, not only because of the stress on my body, but due to the gestational diabetes...so if we do make it to 38 weeks, I'd be looking at an induction. However, he also thinks it's fairly likely that I'll naturally go into labor before then, so right now we're just focusing on making it through the next month and hitting that 36 week goal.

There are a few reasons why we're trying to hang in there for the next month. First, after 35 weeks, your baby is basically done developing. Sure, they'll be smaller than a 40 week newborn, but for all intents and purposes everything is finished growing and the baby won't need to go to the NICU. The second reason is a bit more personal: the hospital in my little town will not take births before 36 weeks. If I go into labor before April 5 (Easter Monday), then I will need to call the maternity ward at my hospital to give them a heads up before I arrive, and they will then transfer me in an ambulance to an alternative hospital in another town about 45 minutes away. The maternity ward in this second hospital has a great reputation, so I'm not worried about that, but from a practical standpoint (such as ease of driving for Mr Bibliosaur) it would be preferable to stay in our town.

Some days - like today - it seems like it will be so easy to make it to 36 weeks. My Braxton Hicks contractions have significantly reduced since I stopped working (I didn't realize just how much stress simply going to work was putting on my body, but I was getting BH contractions all.the.time), I'm lying comfortably on the couch, most of my bodyparts aren't hurting, and I'm well rested. Other days, it seems like there is simply no way in the world that we can make it another month - when the pain in my hips is so bad that I can't sleep at night, when my stomach muscles are screaming for this strain to end, when my multitude of stretchmarks are growing as wide as my little finger because the babies have run out of room to grow upward or forward and are now stretching my belly and my skin sideways (and oh my god but those stretchmarks ITCH!).

So for now, I'm taking things the only way I can: one day at a time. Some days are easier, some days are harder, but every day is another step toward our goal. Wish me luck, and send some "stay in there for another 4 weeks" vibes!

A Little Boy's Wish

I've held on to this piece for some time now. I always wanted to use it in my personal blog but never had the courage to post it. I feel this is a better place for this post and hope it gives a little better insight as to why having another child is so important to DH & I.

I feel pretty lucky to be the eldest of five children. Sure there were times growing up that I didn't always feel this way. The time my little bothers decided to drive a remote control car through my hair... not so much! The many times people would ask how old my daughter was... never too excited to answer that question. But now that my siblings are all grown up, (almost anyway), I feel truly blessed to have them in my life.

It's hard for me to imagine life w/out siblings. My hubby waited twenty years for a little sister... I'd say it was well worth the wait! DH and I had always said that we would wait till DS turned two and then begin trying for a brother or sister for him. God has had different plans for us and at times that wait has been almost unbearable. Still, we hold out hope that one day it will be the right time for us.

A few months ago I read an article in my Parents magazine about a little boy who was wishing for a brother or sister. The parents had been trying for years to conceive a second child and had almost given up hope. The boy had never mentioned that he secretly longed for a sibling and it was only after a PT conference at his school, that they discovered his wish. The parents were asked to look through a group of drawings done by the boy's classmates and himself. They were to find the picture that their son had drawn... the pictures were family portraits. After looking and looking the mother finally picked a picture of a family consisting of a mom & dad, a little boy and a baby. She had picked right.

When the parents asked their son why he had drawn the baby in their family's portrait he told them he was the only child in his class w/out a sibling and that he hoped someday he'd have one too! The boy got his wish and the article went on to tell about an essay the boy had written about his little brother. It was very moving and as I stood in our kitchen in tears, DS looked at me and asked, "what's wrong Mommy, why are you crying?"

The thought of DS growing up alone breaks my heart! We've asked him several times if he'd like to have a baby brother or sister and he always says yes but he's very young and until we had this conversation, I thought it was just an answer.

I watch a little boy a couple times a month. He has been coming to stay with us since he was only 4 weeks old. DS loves spending time with him! A few months ago, DS and I were busy "talking through the animals", as I like to call it... (it's play that involves the both of us pretending to be an animal and saying the things we think they'd say to one another.) DS was a bee and I was a dragonfly. The bee asked the dragonfly if he had a brother, I answered "yes", (for the dragonfly). The dragonfly asked the bee if he had any brothers or sisters, the bee answered, "Yes, I have a little brother. He doesn't sleep at out house but we take care of him and I wish he lived w/ us."

I went on to explain to DS that "baby boy" would miss his Mommy and his Mommy would miss him. He then asked if we could have a baby come live w/ us... I wasn't sure what to say. I told him that Daddy and I would like that very much and we would try really hard to make that happen for our family. And that's what gets me through all of the frustration and heartache that comes w/ TTC!

The "To-Do" List

A while back my DH and I saw a commercial for a new sitcom about married couples. I can't recall now what the show was called but a one-liner stood out to me for obvious reasons. The wife said to her husband, "Do you feel as though the romance has sort of vanished now that we have to add sex to our to-do list?"

Does anyone else feel this way? I totally relate to this character every month when our week of "hopeful baby-making" comes. Both calendars in our house have this week marked in different colors to show which days are more important that we stay awake long enough to try. It's not at all about showing each other love and affection anymore but rather about making sure that we are giving it our best shot for the month!

I think we are both a little relieved when the week has passed, the pressure's off and neither one of us have to worry about being in the mood or not. We can do what we married couples do, watch sitcoms and go to bed early!