Twenty-Eight Weeks

Today I am twenty-eight weeks pregnant and having a really bad day. Probably the worst one I've had since before my BFP. It's really unlike me to feel down or pessimistic, but here I am, in the dumps. I cannot stop crying.

It started it started yesterday, actually. In the morning I had an appointment with our OB. We listened to Libby's heart beat, which was a good 143 bpm and we saw her moving on the u/s monitor. She is head down, which I knew because she's been tap dancing on my ribs for the past three days. The doctor took some measurements and said she is about three pounds now (up a half a pound from two weeks ago). My blood pressure is good and my weight is holding steady, which I think is excellent. I was able to also get the H1N1 shot, since they had just gotten in a new shipment and then I went on my way to the lab, where I was scheduled for the one hour Glucose Screening.

I drank the syrupy orange liquid waited around for an hour and had my blood drawn. Then my hubby took me to lunch and dropped me off for work. He picked my up 5 hours later and we had some dinner and headed to our scheduled hospital tour and orientation.

As soon as we got home from our hospital tour I burst into tears. I sobbed for an hour and finally fell asleep around 8 p.m. Long story short, I hate the hospital. I don't want to give birth there. As far as hospitals go, it's fine, I am sure, but the whole thing just terrifies me. The fluorescent lights, the stark linoleum floors, the beeping monitors, all of it. I have never stayed in a hospital, ever. And I feel an overwhelming sense of dread when I think about having to be there for 2-3 days to give birth. This is supposed to be a joyful event and it is now one that I dread with every fiber of my being. Don't get me wrong, I am not dreading meeting my LO, but I am dreading the entire process of getting her here.

Their simplest protocols bug me...for example, the mother in labor is only to receive ice chips. Why? Since when is starving yourself during a marathon recommended? And they require all patients (ugh, the fact that they call you patient bugs me...pregnancy is not an illness) to have an IV. It is not an option to maintain hydration orally. And you have to be continuously monitored by the fetal monitor. Their paper readout is a neccessary part of the baby's permanent medical record, they say. I say it's to cover their asses in case something goes wrong. They want to avoid any potential lawsuits.

That said, the IV and being hooked to the monitor will both severely restrict my ability to move about during labor. It seems to me that they basically want to plug you in and have you flat on your back, pump you full of chemicals until the baby pops out and if that means via c-section, well so be it. They also limit the number of support people to three, but only two can stay for the actual delivery. Well how is that supposed to work when I want my DH, mom and doula there?

We start our Bradley Classes on Saturday and I feel like it's going to be a big waste of time and money because our hospital is not going to even try to support our choice of an intervention-free birth. I am not even sure we should add the extra $350.00 to hire a doula at this point. Sure, the hospital will support a "natural childbirth" in that they don't require you to have pain medication, but that doesn't mean they support an intervention-free or non-medicated birth by any stretch of the imagination. They "allow" you to bring a doula, that you have to pay for yourself, but they'll restrict your movements and then when labor "stalls" they'll pump you full of chemicals like Pitocin and then, if you can handle the pain from an artificially augmented labor, they promise not to push the epidural on you.

Of course, you may need one anyway, and they do require you to pre-register and pre-pay for one, just in case. The fee is $200.00 upfront and they'll reimburse you once your insurance clears the claim. So now I have to find out what happens to my $200.00 if I chose not to use the epidural during labor. The whole process is ridiculous, if you ask me. My doctor confirmed that the anesthesiologists have denied epidurals during labor for those women who didn't register in advance. Oh, and they recommend you register no later than your 28th week, which I just found out yesterday, so in essence, I have already missed their "deadline." What's more, their office is only open M-F from 8:00 a.m. until 4:00 p.m. so in order to sign up, I will have to take time off of work to do it.

On top of all this, I got a call today from my doctor's nurse saying I failed the one-hour glucose screen. She said my number was so high (182) that they don't even recommend my doing the three hour test. I burst into tears at my desk.

My mother is Type II and lives with us, so I have been using her glucose monitor throughout this pregnancy to test my blood and it's always been very good. My last reading, before eating a meal was 80, which is definitely below their setpoint of 95. So I don't understand how failing the screening with such a high number is possible, except for the fact that the glucola drink they give you is 50mg of sugar and I probably don't even consume that much in a day, let alone during a 5 minute period where they test you one hour later. We eat very clean and according to the low-glycemic index, which may account for my low glucose readings when I test at home.

I asked them to schedule me for the the three hour test anyway, which she said she will do as long as I take it later this week. So even though they didn't think I needed to do it, they scheduled me for it. They just want to proceed as if I have GD and go for the diabetic counseling and daily glucose monitoring for the rest of this pregnancy. According to research I've done online anything over 200 from the Glucose Screening means that it's safe to assume gestational diabetes. Anything from 140-200 means further testing is required. Yet they didn't offer it, I had to ask for it. So I am torn...what should I do? Go for the three hour test or go with their recommendation?

On top of it all, I am desperately trying to save my personal leave hours up from work so that I can use them for maternity leave. We're only "given" 120 hours of long term medical leave but that doesn't kick in until you've used 80 hours of your own, accrued leave, for a total of 25 days off work paid or 5 work weeks. We're a small company and don't qualify for FMLA. I have managed to squirrel away more hours from last year to add to that pot (an additional 80 hours or 10 days) and have saved all of my accrued annual leave from this year, as well as 57 of my 64 hours of comp time. So I am looking at about 440 hours total of leave for my maternity leave. That amounts to about 55 days off or 11 weeks total. But that time has to include any time I need off for illness, appointments, etc between now and when the baby comes. And God forbid, if I am required to stop working before my LO arrives, because it will come out of this 440 hours as well.

So each appointment including yesterday's and the possibility of the three hour one later this week is eating away at my carefully saved hours. The fact that mentally I probably shouldn't even be at work today (because I cannot stop crying) weighs on me too since that would mean using even more hours to go home and just cry it all out. One option I have is working extra hours during the week to offset the time I have to be out for my appointments. But that means I am looking at 9-10 hour work days and skipping my lunch hour, just to compensate for the time out. Not very appealing when I am already tired at the end of an 8-hour work day.

Oh, and my bloodwork is also indicating that I am anemic, so I have to add an iron supplement to my PNV. Not a huge deal, but given the day that I am having just another straw on the camel's back.

Finally, I feel like my daughter isn't even here yet and I am already a bad mother. My profile...being nearly 35 (my birthday is in two weeks), having immediate family with Type II diabetes (my mom...my maternal grandparents also had it) and having a BMI higher than 27 (quite higher actually...I am considered obese on the BMI chart) have put me in the risk category for GD and other complications.

Even though this pregnancy has been quite uneventful up until now (low BP, no spotting, no vomiting, no major weight gain...less than 10 lbs total, no swelling, consistent exercise, etc.) I cannot help but feel like the next 12 weeks are going to be doomed somehow. And I am afraid of how this all could affect the baby. I am also feeling like I should just "give in" and be like all of the other women who are okay with a highly medicalized birth. But somehow I cannot. At least not right now. Have I mentioned that I just found out last week that my step-sister, who's due with baby #2 in mid-January, has elected to schedule a c-section for December 28th so she and her husband can get the tax deduction for 2009? My father thinks it's a brilliant plan and asked if I could do the same. WTF? I am horrified. Am I the only one?

Why do I care so much? Why can't I just be okay with induction or scheduling an elective c-section. Lots of women do it. Lots of doctor's recommend it. And yet, I cannot get over my strong personal convictions that babies should be allowed to arrive when they are good and ready.

I hate to say this, but maybe I shouldn't have TTC'd. I never even had BOTB until December of last year. Maybe I didn't think this all the way through enough before doing it? Maybe I am not prepared for this. I should have tried to lose more weight before TTC (although I did lose 25 lbs in the three months before TTCing). I don't know. Right now I am just feeling very overwhelmed and very worried about the next three months and maybe beyond.